I have debated a while about posting this, because it could potentially hurt feelings, but I started posting specifically to share things like this, so here we go.
Breaking up sucks. Especially when it's a serious, long-term relationship. It happens all the time, for all sorts of reasons. But no matter how serious or how long or why or when or who does it, breaking up will always suck.
Everyone deals with break ups differently. Some people find rebound relationships to maintain that connection to a person, some people sleep around to fill the void, some cry for days and don't eat or sleep, some bury it somewhere and pretend like they are just fine, some do crazy things to distract themselves, some do a variation of all of those at the same time.
Unfortunately, none of those things really help the fact that something has just been broken. A heart, a friendship, a family. Honestly, the only thing that really helps is time, although not one single person will feel any comfort from being told that when they are hurting, so I don't know why people even bother.
In my last relationship, I initiated the break up. I think I caught everyone by surprise, myself included, but it's true. However, if I am being completely honest, in order for me to get to that point I must have been ready for a while. When I am in a relationship, I give everything. It's dangerous and reckless and downright stupid, but it's the only way to do it. If a person isn't going to like something about me, I would rather get it out of the way in the beginning. Part of giving everything also means that I will work as hard as I can to make it work, no matter what that may require. Most recently, it meant losing quite a bit of myself. It wasn't the fault of anyone else, that's just what happened. I had a lot to learn about myself before I even got into the relationship and I never took the time to do so. All the things that I like about myself were muted- my happiness, my passion, my excitement. I was so determined to make the pieces fit that I was actually attempting to change who I was, which ended up making things worse. Don't get me wrong- we had some really awesome moments, these previews of what it could be like if the big issues weren't there, moments where a happily ever after for us wasn't such an imaginary concept. So when the break up came, it was really hard. Saying the words "I can't do this anymore" was one of the most difficult moments of my life, but it was also one of the strongest. In saying that, I was admitting defeat. I could change all I wanted, but it wasn't going to help any because I wasn't being me anymore.
Not only was I ending a relationship, but I was losing my best friend. It also meant that I would be alone for the first time since high school. No boyfriend, no roommate, no family around. Just me. Anyone who knows me should know how big of a deal that is, because I hate being alone. So began the "getting over it" process. I cried, I stumbled, I got angry, I whined, I stood up and fell back down lots of times, I annoyed my friends, I relied on my family, I learned, I laughed, I begged for it to change, I tried to ignore it...
And here comes the purpose behind this post: I did it. I got over it. I survived.
That phrase sounds silly/dramatic, but it is exactly what I did. It's like when you are sick for a long time, or you have a bad injury- sometimes you don't realize how bad you were feeling until you don't feel bad anymore. One day, it's all better. I didn't realize how much I wasn't myself until I found out what it was like to be me again. I have friends from college that just recently got to see who I really am, and it feels amazing.
Each day I learn something new about myself & I must admit- I am pretty awesome. I love with all I have, I laugh way too loud & too often, I am silly, I get frustrated, I love my dogs like children, I over think things, I am sensitive, I love to organize, I like being on time, I have dance parties all by myself, I don't make my bed every day, I pick up after myself, I get grumpy when I'm hungry, I read books too fast, I make plans. Most of all- I'm okay. I'm living my life for me, and I'm ready for whatever gets thrown my way now.
I know I am sharing way more than necessary to get my point across, but I could care less, because it's important to me.
I know I will still have moments that are tough, little things still might sting, but that's alright because I am me again. I will always love him & I want him to be happy, but I want me to be happy, too. No one can tell you how long it will take to get over a break up, or a loss of any kind, but it will happen & when it happens, it will feel amazing.
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