When I don't understand

Life has been...interesting.

The details of it don't really matter, but amidst all the craziness, some pretty awesome things have happened for me. I'm still working on finding my place, but each day it becomes more clear to me & it's exciting. 

This last week, my niece asked me to put her to bed 2 nights in a row. 

Let me tell you, few things will make you feel more loved than a 3 year old requesting you for bed time. 

Right before bed each night, she gets 5 minutes of back scratching before it's time to fall asleep on her own. As I rubbed her back & listened to her sleepy time playlist, which consists of instrumental versions of worship songs, I thought about everything I'm dealing with & all the pain I see in me & in others.  Both of those nights I couldn't help but pray over her. As I felt her breath steady beneath my hand, I couldn't help but think about the fact that she'll feel pain and frustration in life, but I prayed that she's always surrounded by enough love & grace that the dark will never seem like a dead end & that people would see the kindness in her & give it in return, and she would always have a full and happy heart. 

And then Friday happened and those simple things I prayed for meant so much more. 

I'm sure those children had people praying for them, so why weren't those prayers answered? Why weren't those children kept safe and without pain? Does that mean my words for my niece are useless? Should I pray harder or more often? Or was it just an evil that overtook someone that we can never understand?

I hope in this time we can just love each other. Simply, fully. 

Now, I hope that even when she doesn't understand, when any of us can't quite make sense of things, that we can still look around & see beautiful moments & proof that we are loved & that we're all in this together, even when the world seems to be crumbling. 

Who knew a 3 year old could provide so much peace for me?

No need to rely on Apple Maps, I can get lost on my own.

It's been a really long time since I have posted anything. I don't think I was looking forward to facing the disappointment that I've been feeling in myself.

I moved home expecting the best. I thought my new store would be a challenge that would help me better myself and that it was only temporary, I thought some great career opportunity was right around the corner. I thought I would be surrounded by family & friends and that life would be less lonely. I truly believed that leaving Emporia was the end of my frustration, and maybe I could coast on excitement and adventures for a while.

I should have learned by now that high expectations are a dangerous thing.

Things have been even harder for me since moving home, but over the last few weeks many people have helped me realize how much I have to be grateful for & I do recognize that my negativity was blinding me to all the good. But, damn it, sometimes it's hard to see what's going right when all of your strength is tied up in surviving the things that are going wrong.

Last night, I went to a huge corn maze in Missouri with people from my store &, despite being a tad apprehensive, I actually had a lot of fun. Most of them don't know much about me, so it was nice to hang out in a new environment. Half of the group followed the rules & searched for the check points, but our group just tried to make it to the exit. There were times when we were incredibly lost (yes, I realize that's sort of the point) but I would just take off running down the trail and not worry where it was taking us. I'm sure the group wasn't too excited that I was ignoring our maps, but it made it fun. We don't always have a map when we get that lost in things & it was a strangely important moment for me to realize that, while it wasn't the best approach to getting out of the corn maze, sometimes I just need to head full speed in any direction to at least be on my way somewhere.

It's possible that I have finally paid my dues, or maybe I've simply adjusted my perspective, because I can feel the great things brewing, and it's only a matter of time before they are revealed to me. I am finished fighting the inevitable and planning my own way, because I have only been making things harder. I am going to start writing again, because even if no one reads it, it's a part of me that I can't ignore. I am getting involved in things that get me excited about life and challenge me to be better. I'm done ignoring the things I have been called to do.

Faith is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse, so I am going to quit trying to figure it out on my own and see where these new opportunities take me.

I haven't got a clue where I am going, but at least I am on my way.

Parking Spaces

Two weeks from today, my life will no longer be in Emporia, KS.  I will be finished with my college career and getting ready to start fresh on Monday morning at my new store. 

Exactly 5 years from the day I graduated high school, I'll be settled back home and ready for a brand new chapter, where so many things should be the same and familiar, and yet nothing will be.

My family is entirely different, yet still consists of the same people.  I'll still be doing the same job, with a whole new team and very different machines and challenges.  I'll be in the same house, except now it will feel like a home.  And I'm the same girl I've always been, but a completely different person.

I'm not at all excited to leave the people that I have grown to love here, but I have begun to think about it in a way that makes it easier.  I had the opportunity to spend some time with my wonderful friend Jan last week, and we were discussing how frustrating it is that people that we love are taken far away from us for whatever reason, even when we need them to be close more than ever.  I decided that we all have a parking lot. 

I don't care how silly that sounds, it's true.  People come and go from our lives all the time, and it's because we only have so many spaces for the people we love.  Not that we ever stop loving them, but sometimes people need to leave us for a little while to make a space for someone else to become more important in our lives for a bit. 

I would like to think that as we get older and meet more people and grow, that our parking lot expands with us.  But that doesn't mean that there won't be some slightly painful shuffling while it's under construction.

The amazing family that I have gained here in Emporia will never be any less important to me, but it's time for me to hit the road and make some room for other people.  In my life, and in theirs.  It took me a while to sort through those that deserve their own space and those that should have parked on the street, but that's the beauty of it.  If I had to make a list, the people that I honestly want to/will keep is fairly short, but the people that have taught me something important, even if they left a nasty grease stain in the process, is wonderfully lengthy, and I am perfectly content with that.

As a person that loves to plan and organize, I'm terrified.  The life waiting for me in two weeks is extremely different from the one I saw waiting for me a year ago, six months ago, shoot- it's different from the one I imagined a month ago, but it's mine and I can't wait to see what happens. The goodbyes have started, the boxes are being filled, and that parking lot is about to look very different.

Relevant

Thursday will be my last time to sing at Relevant.  It's crazy to think that an hour a week for the last few years has managed to have such an impact on my life, but it really has.  The people are incredible, the messages always tug at my heart and it has been a constant factor that I can count on when everything else seems to be a mess. 

There is a song that Emilia and I love called Grace Like Rain.  I'm not sure what it is about that song in particular, but it just means something more that the others. 

I know that worship isn't about the music necessarily, but, for me, that's when I am most connected to my faith and that's the time when I am able to let go and let God take over. 

Whenever we are able to do this song, it truly stops being about the music and it is about something so much more.  I can feel Emilia building it up with each verse and I can hear everyone else singing and it's a sort of peace and excitement all at the same time.  I love that the feeling is hard to explain- which is weird for me, because I am all about explaining how I feel about things- but that difficulty is almost the greatest part. I don't know that anyone else feels it or cares as much as I do, but it's moments like that and feelings like those that have gotten me through these last few years.  It's then that I know, without a doubt, that it's all ok.

I graduate in 15 days.  I have almost an entire math course to complete, my 45 page paper, and all of the other end of the year papers teachers love to assign. 
I leave Emporia in 3 weeks.  I have to train a replacement and hand over a job that I have grown extremely attached to.  I have to say goodbye to so many wonderful people. 
And there are a million things that I can't seem to get out of my head lately that make it difficult to get through each day with a smile.

But tonight, for a little more than 3 minutes, none of that mattered and that is exactly what I needed.

Hurdles

There is a very good reason why I never attempted jumping hurdles during track my 8th grade year.  Tell me to run my fastest to a certain point, and I will give it my all and get there.  However, when there are these silly hurdles in the way, my brain has trouble anticipating them in order to clear the jump and not fall on my face.  I don't entirely lack coordination, but some things my body will see and say "yea...good luck with that"
The past few years have been tough, but this one takes the cake.  My disdain for hurdles hasn't changed, but they seem to keep popping up.  All of these hurdles are really making me doubt my ability to do much of anything.  I feel like if I keep trying my hardest and still fail, then it will hurt a lot worse than if I just stop trying and blame the failure on my lack of effort. 

My most recent hurdle was more personal than anything, but it has managed to set me back all the same.  It is hard to continually give your best and be told that it still isn't good enough for absolutely no concrete reason.

In addition to that, I have a problem with over thinking.  When something bad happens, I have trouble keeping things separate, and it turns into me second guessing everything that's going on.  Right now, that pretty much means disaster. I am attempting to keep my personal issues in a totally different compartment than my school worries and my job worries and it's becoming really difficult to see the line that keeps them apart.

The last couple of weeks I have been repatching old wounds that didn't quite heal properly the first time and coming to terms with the fact that these hurdles aren't going to stop coming.  I can run straight up to them just to end up pumping the brakes all I want, but it isn't going to get me any further.

And then, today happened.  A girl that I knew a few years back came in to ship something & I learned a "fun" fact about her life now.  I'll spare you the details, but she has gone into a line of work that made me realize that I am actually doing pretty darn well for only being 23. 
I'm graduating college in 19 days.  I have been away at school for 5 years, but one of those was spent working full time and for the last year I have done both.  I have a great family that I'm moving home to, a wonderful new family I have acquired and am (sadly) leaving behind, two great furry kiddos, a really bright future with an awesome company that is willing to support me even if I choose to leave, and a million other opportunities waiting for me. 

I thought about those hurdles again and I just had to laugh to myself.  Even if I run into every single hurdle instead of jumping over it, I'll still get to the end.  I just have to keep running, keep pushing, and as much as it might hurt to slam into those dumb hurdles, I'll eventually make it to the finish line.  I'm hoping that I'll successfully clear some of them, or have enough insight to duck underneath them from time to time, but they aren't going away & now that I have realized that, maybe my coordination will get a little better. 

Trust

Trust is a scary creature.  However, it's also necessary for any healthy relationship between two people.  Whether it's a friendship, teammates, coworkers, or a romantic relationship.  Even families can't function without trusting one another. 

There are some cases where trust is assumed from the start- like families or professional relationships.  Then there are cases where trust should be earned- like friendships and relationships.

I have learned that I am fairly quick to trust people.  I believe and have more faith than I should from the beginning, and it gets me in trouble.  However, I also over think things a lot and create problems that weren't there to begin with, which makes it seem like there isn't even a little trust.  It's a very nasty cycle.

Trust is putting everything you've got into something that is out of your control and that's horrifying.  Everything is suddenly on the line- your comfort, your plans, your prior knowledge, your heart, your secrets, your time.  So many things become dependent on someone or something else.  But it's a two way street. 

I've had to start thinking about trust a little differently in order to realize how worthwhile trusting another person can be.  I've had to remember that jumping over hurdles along the way makes crossing the finish line that much more rewarding.  Holding on to something and hoping can be painful, but it can turn into something incredible.  And if you make the time to take the time to take a chance and make it happen- it could change your life. 

I recently saw a Cirque Du Soleil show and was, obviously, amazed at the acrobatic aspect of it.  I was especially impressed with the times that one person would jump into the air and have to rely on another person's strength to catch them. Trust has to work that way- the person jumping is trusting the other person to catch them, and the person catching has to have a certain level of trust that the other will jump as far as necessary to reach them.

Right now, I have to trust that everything will go smoothly.  I have to have trust in my teachers, my coworkers, my managers, my advisor, my relationship, my friends, my family and myself.  I know exactly how worthwhile it will be to trust all parties involved to support me and be there to catch me when I do my part, I just have to do my best to let go and jump has far as I possibly can in the right direction.

This Semester

So, pretty much everyone that knows me also knows that this semester I am attempting the impossible in order to graduate in May.  However, I don't think everyone knows just how difficult this semester truly is.  After briefly explaining it to a friend this evening and attempting to talk through my stress with people from time to time, I have decided to explain it in a little more detail to see if it will at least help get some of it out of my brain. 

Background: I started out studying Music Education.  After two years, it had made me really unhappy and I wasn't enjoying music at all anymore, so I decided to take a different path, but I wasn't quite sure what it would be.  I thought about Elementary Education for a while, but then was told there would be an Early Childhood program for undergrads available soon. It sounded perfect, so I spent a semester in Elementary Education courses that would eventually apply to my Early Childhood degree. That spring, I was told that it wasn't going to work out and I was basically wasting my time in school. 
Awesome.
So I decided to take a year off.  I needed to really figure out what I wanted to do so that I had a real plan and I didn't want to waste money taking classes that meant nothing just to stay in school.  Everyone said that I wouldn't go back, because most people that take time off never do, but I was the exception I suppose.  Two months into the first semester of my "year off" I already had met with an advisor and decided on a plan for the rest of my college education.  I took 4 courses during that time, to help keep me going, and waited for the fall to come around again to start fresh.  During my year off, I was given the opportunity to move into a full time position in our store and it was understood that when school came around again in the fall, I would go back to my part time position and things would be grand.  That's where the trouble started.  I ended up moving into another full time position that I really love, and decided to take online courses so that I could do both at the same time.  The fall semester was hard, I even received an Incomplete in a class that I sort of forgot I was taking, but it was nothing compared to this semester. 

Now we get to the fun stuff...

I am enrolled in 27 hours. 
6 hours = my Capstone project.  This is the whole point of my degree.  It is a 45-50 page paper covering my research in a field of my choice.  My project was originally suppose to be developing a curriculum for preschool age students that was entirely based on music.  Each subject would be taught with music in some way, with the hopes that the cross curriculum learning would help with the funding cuts and lack of music education in our schools.
4 hours= Early Childhood Development courses that I took while I was not actively enrolled at ESU.
3 hours= College Algebra, taken through Hutchinson Community College.
14 hours= Random 300 level courses that I have no real connection to.  Some of them are neat, some of them are not.
Now here are the hoops:
           Issue #1- I could not get a director for my first project propsal.  I was passed on to 4 different professors and each of them informed me that there was no way to fit me into their busy schedule. 
           Issue #2- My new project focuses on what I am currently doing for work.  Broken into 3 sections it will outline strategies for succeeding in the retail world, covering Customer Service, Sales, and Training. (It's more in depth, but that's the main idea).  The problem here is that I still have no director.  These professors didn't even bother to respond to inform me that they were too busy. 
         Issue #3- The courses I took while I was not enrolled should have been easy.  I was given certificates at the end of each so that I could send them in and that would count as my passing grade.  However, the professor decided that since I took them more than a semester ago, I should have to complete new assignments for each course in order to prove that I retained the information.  Understandable, but still a hoop.
         Issue #4- I was suppose to take my algebra course at Flint Hills Tech College, and I was told that they had an online course available for me.  After applying and getting to the part where I officially enroll, I was told that there were no online courses and that if I didn't take the course this semester, I would have to take 2 algebra courses instead of one because my ACT score would not be able to exempt me after this semester.  I looked all over for somewhere else and finally found a course through HCC that starts in March.  Luckily, on this one, I was able to send in my score early and save myself from taking two classes instead of one.

There are lots of little things going on & going wrong, but my point is that this semester is like one long trail of dominoes.  If the littlest thing goes wrong, the whole semester is a waste.  I have to pass this to get there, fix this before that will work, etc, with some of these steps being completely out of my control. And that's just the education part of it.  I'm working 37.5 hours a week on top of it all, trying like crazy to make sure that things go smoothly for my transition there as well.  Not to mention my two puppies that need way more attention that I give them, my family, and my super exciting social life.  Wait...I might have been imagining that last one...

I think the hardest part is shutting my brain down.  Each night, I wake up worried about an assignment I have coming up or a deadline I can't remember or an email I need to send. Some days I have such a big "to do" list that I literally sit and do nothing for hours because I can't wrap my head around it or figure out where to start. My days are broken down into a specific schedule-hour by hour- that I follow pretty closely, but sometimes it just overwhelms me to the point that I have no energy left to care. 

I know that I could have made it easier on myself.  So I am in no way expecting sympathy.  I could have split it into another semester, or been normal and picked a major that was easier to control.  But those options don't get me home quicker, and they certainly don't give me a degree that makes me happy. I have never been a fan of college, and now that I am missing out on so much with my family, it makes it even more frustrating. 

Thanks for caring enough to read this entire rant. :-)
I just have to survive this semester and then I am taking myself on an adventure of some kind and then I can move on to the next chapter of life.

It helps to channel the mindset of The Little Engine that Could "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

Dibs

I am sure everyone knows what the dibs game is.  When you see something you want- you call "dibs" on it & voila! It's yours & no one else can touch it.  Now, it sounds simple & awesome, but it depends on the context.


I am okay with the dibs game when it's the last cookie or a pop or a comfy chair, but I also have a great deal of friends that play it with people.  An attractive guy or girl will walk into the room & one will look at the other & call dibs.  I do realize that most of the time it is meant as a joke, but it got me thinking, I would absolutely love for someone to call dibs on me for real.


However, it can't be only when I am trying to look good because, let's be honest, I clean up pretty well, so that just wouldn't count. ;-)


I want someone to call dibs on me when I first wake up next to them in the morning, when I'm in my work uniform and my hair is in my "all business bun", when I'm 8 months pregnant and have swollen everything, when I am cleaning or doing dishes, and I want them to really mean it.  I know that it seems pretty unrealistic but I think it's important to set my standards that high.  It won't happen in the beginning either, obviously.  It will take time to discover and appreciate all of the awesome things about me, but I know it's possible to be someone's first choice & I can't wait to be that lucky.

I've kept it to myself for long enough...

I started this so that I could share my adventures and lessons while focusing on me and the things that I want in my life.  So I think it’s about time that I shared the biggest piece to the puzzle.

I did not grow up in a church; it was just something our family didn’t do.  Both of my parents were raised going to church and following all sorts of rules, but when it came to my faith life, it was left up to me to decide.  I feel that it was the greatest thing they ever could have done for me (not me as a child, but me specifically, meaning-yes, things will be different with my children).  I was given the opportunity to learn and develop my own ideas about the world and about God. 

I started going to church my junior year of high school because a friend invited me and I just happened to have a giant crush on him, so of course I went.  It makes me laugh because God sure knew exactly how to get my attentionJ.  During my junior and senior year, I learned a lot about Jesus and faith and salvation and the impact it can have on a life.  I went to a church that said exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  It was the perfect way to draw me in.

Then I left for college, and there was little growth in my faith life.  I didn’t do anything crazy or lose touch with my faith; I just stayed in the same place for a while.  

During the second semester of my sophomore year of college, my roommate finally convinced me to go with her to the United Methodist Campus Ministry service on a Thursday night.  I sang for special music, enjoyed the rest of the evening, and then went on with my life.  That night felt way more important to me than it should have, but at the time, I had no idea why.  The next semester, the girl that usually sang needed to focus on school and I was asked to help with music. 

It’s been an amazing experience.  It’s relaxed and casual, nothing too exciting by most standards, but I love it.  I get to sing and I get to worship, it doesn’t get much better than that for me. Plus, the people are fantastic.  It’s the neatest, silliest, most awkward group of people that I have ever been around and it’s awesome & getting to worship with them every week is a privilege I will never take for granted.

I will readily admit- In terms of religious knowledge, I know I could be considered naïve; I have not studied it the way most people do, because for me it is not about a specific religion or rules, but about faith in Christ and His plan for me as an individual.  I am not looking to educate anyone else, only to set a good example and live a good life in the eyes of God, because that’s the opinion that matters.

 Over the last 6 years, I have learned about my faith in a variety of ways.  I do read my Bible from time to time, but probably not as often as I should.  I honestly feel that I have learned more about God and the love of Christ through the people around me than I would by reading my Bible every single day.  I have been extremely lucky in that regard because I have been surrounded by some of the greatest Christians possible & I would defend that statement until the day that I die.  The people that have been my greatest influence have been filled with love and grace and compassion, they have been accepting, talented, driven. They have been Catholic, Methodist, non denominational, some have had even less exposure to church and religion than myself. They have been straight, gay, college students, and seminary students.  They aren’t perfect by any standards, they are real people who hurt and get frustrated and still manage to set great examples.   

Isn’t that the point?  I know I haven’t read it cover to cover, but I can’t imagine it saying anywhere in the Bible that those who know the most, or those who have made the least mistakes, or those who have always followed the right rules are the best Christians.  In fact, I think it says quite the opposite.  I know we are supposed to live by the commandments and all sorts of other standards, and I will never argue that those things aren’t just as important, but I can’t help but believe there is much more to it than that. 

Last semester I read “Love Wins” by Rob Bell.  I have always thought I had a good idea of what Christianity was really all about, but it was so refreshing and encouraging to read an entire book that supported all the things going on in my head.  The title itself says it all. LOVE wins.  Not knowledge, not obedience, not judgment.  The love of Christ is the bottom line.  You get a lot farther in life when you love and accept others the way that Christ will always love and accept.  Not that any one of us could ever contain that much love, but we can definitely give it all we’ve got.  I know that there are a million ways to look at religion and faith and God, but it has to start somewhere.  First, you have to have faith in something bigger than this world. Second, you have to know how to love and how to be loved.  Only then will anything get done, will anything be learned, will anything matter.

Almost a year ago, I made the decision to be baptized.  No one told me to, no one recommended that I do, it was because it was what I wanted to do.  It was what I needed for myself.  Now, I strive to set a good example for others.  I have good days and bad days.  I still get frustrated when I shouldn’t, I say things that I shouldn’t, I’m not as patient as I should be, but I’m learning.  I recognize when I do something I shouldn’t, and I think about it and do better the next time.  I have learned that grace is the most beautiful concept, and I am forever grateful for it.  What good would it do to believe there is no hope for the hurting or those who have made mistakes?  That’s the silliest thing I have ever heard. 

I could go on for hours, but I guess my point is this:

I love Jesus.  I would not survive each day without the love and grace of my Savior.  Faith is a powerful thing that I am so grateful to have found.  And I truly believe that if everyone took out a little bit of hate and judgment from their heart and put in that much love, this world would be a much more beautiful place.  You can be a great Christian and make mistakes every single day, not that it’s encouraged, but hope is never lost when it comes to redemption.  The very purpose of Christ coming to this world was to bring another chance, another opportunity to get it right.  Love God, acknowledge Christ and His love, and love each other- start there and things will change fast.  My ideals are not the most popular, and even some of my best friends will completely disagree, but I’ve got to be sort of right if they think I’m totally wrong & still manage to be my best friends…right?

Lessons Learned

During my senior year of high school I sang "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood for our Follies show in the spring.  At the time, it meant quite a bit to me.  It reflected a lot of what I was feeling as a big part of my life was coming to a close and another one was beginning, it covered a lot of the oh-so-dramatic high school scenarios that I had been a part of, and it was a nice way to share thoughts that I wasn't able to create words for quite yet.

Now, as I am nearing another one of those moments and finishing another senior year, that song has managed to mean more than I ever thought it could. 

Mistakes are so frustrating. It doesn't matter if it was an accident or something you had time to think about. Whether it be locking the keys in the car, messing up a homework assignment, or something bigger, like stealing or betraying someone you love, they all make an impact somehow.  Making a mistake can ruin your day, alter your routine, or change your life. 
Mistakes are scary.

I am not a big fan of making mistakes, as I am sure no one really is, but as I have gotten older and made more signifcant ones, I have started to think about them much differently than ever before. There are a few things that stick out more than others that I spent way too much time punishing myself for.  Assuming that I shouldn't be happy or I shouldn't succeed because of some dumb decision I made, and I must deserve or have somehow earned any bad thing that comes my way.
How silly is that?
I have boldly decided that our minds should never be allowed to regret a mistake that we learned something from.  I know that it is only my job to look at it that way, but there should be some sort of office in our brains that makes sure that it happens for good. 

Before I had the realization that punishing myself was total nonsense, I thought about what causes mistakes.  I looked back at the significant ones and tried to remember how I felt or what I was thinking that led to me doing things that were totally out of character and made no sense.  I had to really look at what brought me to that point, what the real issue was, so that I could make sure I was never in a position where making the same mistake was even possible. 

Mistakes can begin to define a person, and that isn't right. I let my worst mistake define me for almost 3 years.  That's 3 years of my life that I spent, no, that I wasted full of regret, thinking I deserved the worst, settling for less than the best, deciding that I had forfeited my chance at anything more. That's all I could see, that's all I believed in.  I refused to forgive myself for the things I had done. It was so wrong of me to think that my actions warranted all of that, yet I couldn't let it go.

Now, I am learning to forgive myself for things.  I have focused on what I learned, what I gained, what happened as a result, and finally, what I would have missed in life had I not made those mistakes. I have finally been able to realize that the last 3 years I have been blessed with so much more than I could see.  I have gotten close to people that I never would have met, I have taken opportunities that never would have come along, and I have grown more than I ever thought possible.  I know that I have a lot of mistakes still to make, but I am determined to make sure that I have no more regrets, just lessons learned.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

Perspective

A few weeks ago I had a customer interaction that has stuck with me.

An elderly woman came in wanting to get some things organized for a group she was a part of, and, since she is unable to travel to the meetings any longer, she needed to be able to share her work with everyone else.  However, she was determined not to "waste" my time, so she laid all her things out and attempted to get right to work without my assistance. 

Honestly, I have seen this before.  People think they can do it themselves and then I end up spending more time explaining how things work than I would have spent if I had just done it myself.  So, unfortunately, I was a tad impatient from the get go, and as she started asking questions my irritation was growing.  I would set things up perfectly so that all she needed to do was hit a button and switch out her material, then get back to what I was doing.  Then, a minute or so later I would hear her little voice asking for help.  She kept saying "Sorry, Grandma is old and needs you again" or "Grandma hit the wrong color" or something else along those lines, always referring to herself as Grandma and calling me sweetie or honey. 

I will readily admit to anyone that I was annoyed.  I had a lot to do and every few minutes I would have to give the same instructions with the same response. But then, she started telling me her story.  No matter how frustrated I get with people or how busy I am, hearing stories is one of the greatest parts of my job, and this was no different.  She thanked me for being so helpful and told me all about how her husband used to do these things for her, and he used to travel with her, and now that he had passed she had to rely on other people.  Unfortunately, I hear a lot of stories that just about break my heart, but this one was different.  All of the sudden, she wasn't just some frustrating customer because she reminded me so much of my grandma on my dad's side.  This little, amazing woman was important to someone, and right now she needed to be important to me.  Any time I would walk away, I would think about my own grandma and how upset I would be if people weren't patient with her or didn't stop to listen to her story.  Obviously, my approach to her completely changed.  I still had a lot to do, but each time I stopped to help her, she would explain a little more about her project and I stood there and listened until she was done.  Towards the end, she started talking about how she had been watching me move around so quickly (Side Note: when I am busy I tend to move much quicker & my brain gets focused on so many things that I can't hold any other thoughts until I am finished, I can only imagine how unorganized it looks, but I promise my brain has it under control & it gets the job done fast) Anyways, she mentioned the speed at which I was working and she said it made her sad that the world moves much quicker than it used to.  She then went on to tell me about how you can't trust boys and I need to always keep smiling my beautiful smile and that she truly appreciated that I was nice to Grandma for 5 whole hours.
 (that's seriously how long she was in the store). 

It's funny really, the things that stick with us.  I had never seen that woman before, and I will probably never see her again, but she left such an impression.  It was a moment that helped me put things in perspective, and it is going to sound super cliche and cheesy, but I was reminded that every single person you interact with has a story.  In the hustle and bustle of a day, it's hard to take a step back and appreciate what you could be learning or understand how much your time means to someone, but every once in a while someone will come along that will force you to realize it, and it's wonderful. 

What this fabulous woman taught me, which is almost more important than anything else, is that I have a story, too.  If I can't slow down and enjoy it, no one is going to do it for me.  These last few months have gone by so quickly & I am sure it will only speed up as more changes start happening for me, so I need to be ready, because who knows what my story will teach someone.  I look forward to the day when I am much older & I catch the attention of some stressed, overwhelmed, busy, annoyed kid and they have enough patience to listen to whatever I have to teach them.  I just really hope, for their sake, that it's something awesome :).

When It Happens

I have debated a while about posting this, because it could potentially hurt feelings, but I started posting specifically to share things like this, so here we go.

Breaking up sucks.  Especially when it's a serious, long-term relationship.  It happens all the time, for all sorts of reasons.  But no matter how serious or how long or why or when or who does it, breaking up will always suck.

Everyone deals with break ups differently.  Some people find rebound relationships to maintain that connection to a person, some people sleep around to fill the void, some cry for days and don't eat or sleep, some bury it somewhere and pretend like they are just fine, some do crazy things to distract themselves, some do a variation of all of those at the same time. 
Unfortunately, none of those things really help the fact that something has just been broken.  A heart, a friendship, a family.  Honestly, the only thing that really helps is time, although not one single person will feel any comfort from being told that when they are hurting, so I don't know why people even bother.

In my last relationship, I initiated the break up.  I think I caught everyone by surprise, myself included, but it's true.  However, if I am being completely honest, in order for me to get to that point I must have been ready for a while.  When I am in a relationship, I give everything.  It's dangerous and reckless and downright stupid, but it's the only way to do it. If a person isn't going to like something about me, I would rather get it out of the way in the beginning. Part of giving everything also means that I will work as hard as I can to make it work, no matter what that may require.  Most recently, it meant losing quite a bit of myself.  It wasn't the fault of anyone else, that's just what happened.  I had a lot to learn about myself before I even got into the relationship and I never took the time to do so.  All the things that I like about myself were muted- my happiness, my passion, my excitement.  I was so determined to make the pieces fit that I was actually attempting to change who I was, which ended up making things worse.  Don't get me wrong- we had some really awesome moments, these previews of what it could be like if the big issues weren't there, moments where a happily ever after for us wasn't such an imaginary concept.  So when the break up came, it was really hard.  Saying the words "I can't do this anymore" was one of the most difficult moments of my life, but it was also one of the strongest. In saying that, I was admitting defeat.  I could change all I wanted, but it wasn't going to help any because I wasn't being me anymore. 

Not only was I ending a relationship, but I was losing my best friend.  It also meant that I would be alone for the first time since high school.  No boyfriend, no roommate, no family around.  Just me.  Anyone who knows me should know how big of a deal that is, because I hate being alone.  So began the "getting over it" process.  I cried, I stumbled, I got angry, I whined, I stood up and fell back down lots of times, I annoyed my friends, I relied on my family, I learned, I laughed, I begged for it to change, I tried to ignore it...

And here comes the purpose behind this post: I did it. I got over it. I survived.

That phrase sounds silly/dramatic, but it is exactly what I did.  It's like when you are sick for a long time, or you have a bad injury- sometimes you don't realize how bad you were feeling until you don't feel bad anymore.  One day, it's all better. I didn't realize how much I wasn't myself until I found out what it was like to be me again.  I have friends from college that just recently got to see who I really am, and it feels amazing. 

Each day I learn something new about myself & I must admit- I am pretty awesome. I love with all I have, I laugh way too loud & too often, I am silly, I get frustrated, I love my dogs like children, I over think things, I am sensitive, I love to organize, I like being on time, I have dance parties all by myself, I don't make my bed every day, I pick up after myself, I get grumpy when I'm hungry, I read books too fast, I make plans. Most of all- I'm okay.  I'm living my life for me, and I'm ready for whatever gets thrown my way now.

I know I am sharing way more than necessary to get my point across, but I could care less, because it's important to me.

I know I will still have moments that are tough, little things still might sting, but that's alright because I am me again. I will always love him & I want him to be happy, but I want me to be happy, too. No one can tell you how long it will take to get over a break up, or a loss of any kind, but it will happen & when it happens, it will feel amazing.