The People You Meet: Part 3

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you had been running through life with your headphones on & you had been a little too lost in your own world, and so when you finally opened your eyes and looked around a little you noticed you were completely off course and had to find a new path?

That happened to me a year ago. I thought I knew where I was headed, and even when I encountered rough patches, I was able to readjust and keep trucking along. It was like I had signed up & trained to participate in a 5k and then realized that I was actually supposed to be running a marathon. My brain freaked out a little bit and I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible but, because of someone I met, I stuck around instead.

The people you meet...that change everything.

The reason why I began sharing about people that I have met is simple- If things were up to me a year ago, I would never have met any of them. I had surrounded myself with people and things that brought me down and I forgot that I had purpose, and when I finally looked up and I saw where I was headed, I couldn’t handle it. Then I received a simple text message from an incredible woman.

While I met her a decade ago, only recently has her influence in my life changed everything so drastically. She went from someone that I saw at school, to someone I saw occasionally, to someone I see all the time. The day I realized I was in for a much more difficult journey that I had anticipated, she was right there to guide me and, because of her, I have encountered obstacles, and people to challenge me to be better and stronger. I have water stations, and people to refresh me and encourage me along the way. She is the reason I live, work, and worship where, and how, I do. Not because she has told me to do any of those things, but because through her encouragement I am making choices that I never would have made before.

I promise that I don’t intentionally look for meaning in every aspect of my life, and I try not to take myself all that seriously, but I do keep in mind that the life I am living is not about me, and that I have work to do. You can treat the people you meet however you please, obviously, but when you start meeting them with purpose, things change fast.

The People You Meet: Part 2

Usually, it's super difficult to be the newcomer in a group of people that already know each other.  They might not know what to think of you at first, and you can't quite keep everyone straight, they are basically just a jumble of new names and faces for a while.  Slowly but surely, they each become something separate, equal pieces that are vital to create the whole experience.  You start to get to know what part they play and why their presence is so important.

I've had a lot of those in the last year.  Two new work environments, groups of musicians, groups of students, and a whole church community. While they all have taught me lessons, and been either awesome or awful, one gave me a purpose that I had no idea was in store for me.

The People You Meet All At Once.

Fun fact about me- I used to be terrified of aliens.  I don't know where it came from or how it got so...out of control, but it was seriously an issue.  My mom and sister went to the store one night & came home with an "Alien Detector" for me.  It was this neat looking little contraption that lit up in the dark, you know, so I knew that it was working. They told me that when it was plugged in, the aliens stayed far away, but that even when it wasn't plugged in it would still protect me, because it had a mile radius no matter what.  Of course, I took it any time I was staying overnight somewhere.  I remember getting to a new place and checking my bag for it, trying to do nonsense math in my head to figure out if the radius covered the whole house or hotel I was in.

I don't know when it finally stopped being on my packing list, but I do know that it eventually became just a night light.  I frequently see the same light in bathrooms and on shelves in stores.  Just a simple, clear plastic light that can stay plugged in and doesn't require an off/switch.

Faith can be a lot like that.  When you aren't "plugged in" anywhere, you still have your faith & protection, but it is not as powerful as when you are actively practicing, listening, and learning intentionally. Being plugged in gives you more power, and your light is visible to others in the darkness. 

Hence, my enthusiasm to get "plugged in" again somehow after college.  The first day I attended Resurrection Downtown, my ride had to arrive early for her responsibilities, so I tagged along.  I was briefly introduced as a friend to a group of people and everyone went about their business.  A few weeks later I was sharing with those same people about my faith journey and the rest is history.  I knew I wanted to get involved, but I had no idea what God had in store for me there.

They started as strangers, and in no time at all there were incredible bonds formed that are hard to explain.  Without knowing if I was even qualified to listen, they began to really speak.  They welcomed me without having reason to think I deserved it.

They frustrate me, they challenge me, they inspire me, and they are amazing. Their hearts for Christ and for others is something I never knew to expect.  I was supposed to be one of the examples, teaching lessons and giving advice and encouragement, but there is no way I can compete with the lessons they have been teaching me.  Because of them, I do not see myself unplugging any time soon, and I could not be happier. 

Sunday was my formal goodbye to most of them, but I take comfort in the fact that our bond has grown strong enough to know that it's a temporary thing.  The friendships that have formed are not going anywhere.  I am praying that, while they are gone, even if they are not actively involved anywhere, I can give them some extra power along the way, and their "unplugged" radius can keep them going in the off times.

I also take comfort in the fact that there are still incredible ones left to learn from, and who knows how many there will be in the future.  So, while I hope and pray there will be more, if my journey ended with these, I would be equally as proud of the group, of the difference they have made and the examples they have been for others.  And I know that I will never be able to thank them enough for how they have changed my life.

The People You Meet

Whether you want to believe it or not, I am a very shy person.  I try to hide it, but social anxiety kicks in as soon as I walk in to a crowded room, no matter how many familiar faces I see.  One might wonder why, as a shy and anxious person, I would challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone as much as possible. But the truth is, the opportunities I have gained as a result are so much more valuable than an anxiety free life and the people I have met have been incredible.

Over the next few posts, I am going to describe those people and what they have taught me.  Some will be obvious, some won't.  However, the point isn't to introduce you to specific people in my life, but to share how surprised I have been by people and how important it is to give people a chance, regardless of first impressions or preconceived ideas. I have been working on this for a while, and while it would be incredibly easy start with those I got along with right away, I realized it would be more fun to start with one that challenged me the most. Enjoy!

The People You Meet...That Don't Like You At First:

About 6 months ago, I met a gentleman that completely challenged everything that I liked about myself.  This guy was respectful, intelligent, kind, and was an incredible man of God.  But, he just didn’t really have a whole lot of interest in getting to know me beneath the surface.  For me, that was a huge blow to the ego.  I know that not everyone is going to like me, but there are certain groups of people or places you go that you expect to be accepted pretty much all the time, and this was one of those times and I was at a loss for what I had done wrong.  We were so similar in so many ways, but yet there was something vastly different about us that refused to click.  Whether that was a personality thing or a specific person thing, I will leave unsaid, but it never went beyond being cordial acquaintances.  It shook me and was unable to hide it.  When it comes to emotion- I don’t pretend very well.  I would get in my car and question everything I had just said and done, trying to figure out how it could have gone differently.  I would be angry at him, and then self conscious and blame myself and be upset that I wasn't showing enough grace.  For a little while, I tried to be as on the surface as he was, with zero investment in him.  Clearly no friendship was necessary and I needed to focus my energy elsewhere.

We continued to be in this…something awful-ship…until I finally decided that I no longer cared about working to get him to like me, but that I also couldn't act like I didn't care about him as a person.  So I chose to be even more transparent and honest than usual.  I was tired of compromising who I was to please someone else. Then, finally, something pretty neat happened.  We were able to share with each other the things that we were unable to verbalize to other people.  We could say things that we usually kept to ourselves because, if we already weren't getting along, what did we have to lose?

Because of him, and our completely unorthodox friendship, I have learned a lot of what I am missing, a lot of who I wish I was, and what I want and need in myself before I can expect anyone else to be it for me. He says the things that I am thinking, without realizing it.  He makes me laugh when I want to scream. During a serious conversation, we can look at each other and laugh because of something completely unrelated and appreciate the moment as it comes. As frustrating as he can be, I see so much greatness and opportunity in his life and in him as a man. 

I am grateful for the things our friendship has taught me, things that I wouldn’t have learned about myself, and others, had it been easy all the time.  I am a better friend, a better leader, a better person, and a better Christian because of him, because I know how it feels to be challenged.  I have become more comfortable defending why I am the way that I am, and how to adjust it according to what others need from me.  We don’t agree on many things, but we agree on the real things.  I think of how the last 6 months would have been different had I met someone else in his place, and I wouldn't change a thing.  I am constantly surprised by him, and I see now why it was difficult for us in the beginning, and I appreciate him for it, because he stood his ground.  When I get bad news or need a reality check, or have a thought that sounds insane in my head, I know that he will understand and say the words that others won't or can't. 

It is not every day that you find someone that can make you leave one conversation in tears of frustration, and another in tears from laughing too hard, and leave both feeling just as appreciative for their presence in your life.

Two Dogs & 12 Years Later

Soon, I will have officially experienced more of my life without my mom than I did with her.

 

It's fine, I'm totally fine. The only reason I'm even pointing it out is for the beauty of it all.

 

Everyone chooses to deal with these moments in their own way, because everyone grieves differently and there is nothing wrong with that.  Usually, I attempt to ignore the anniversary.  I know it's coming, I can't pretend like it's not there, but my pain isn't any different because of the number on the calendar.  I always have plenty of reminders to keep me from breezing past it entirely, but I don't let it impact how I would live that day if it had a different number attached.  I have bad days in February, and great days in August.  The date simply serves as a way to keep the time. 

 

The hardest part for me is not having any clue what she would think of me now.  She left me before I could become anything.  Some say it's easier to lose a parent when you are younger, because you remember less.  Some say it's easier when you are older, because you had more time with them.  In a way, I saw both sides.  I have a ton of great memories, but none of the moments that I want.  I never got to know her as a person, I never got to ask questions about her hopes & dreams and learn her personality.  All I have are memories of being a painfully awkward child & having no clue that things would ever change. 

 

Well, the awkward part hasn't changed, but I'm beginning to appreciate it as part of my charm.

 

After her death, we found journals that she had started for us when we were little.  I know that there is no way she could have known what was coming, but her words have always made me question otherwise.  It's composed of silly stories of my childhood that I don't remember, and little insights to what she saw in me as a toddler.  A few years ago I vowed to myself that I would do everything in my power to live up to the incredible three-year-old that she described.

 

One of the stories is from Christmas Eve, a few days after my 4th birthday.  As a tradition, we would read "The Night Before Christmas" before bed, but that year she decided to also read us "The Story of Christmas".  Apparently, when she was finished, I looked at her with tears in my eyes.  Um...what?  I was barely 4 years old! We didn't attend church, we didn't read the Bible, why in the world would I have been moved to tears by the birth of Christ? 

 

Did part of me know that 20 years later He would be the most important part of my life? 

 

I think of where I am today, and follow the series of intertwining events that have made me this person.  I am in constant awe of the countless things that I have gained through this loss, and am doing my best to take advantage of each opportunity.  Over the last several months, I have been working on a year-long writing project, I don't know that anyone will ever see it, but it has been a reason for me to challenge myself to live in an entirely different way.  I have been forcing myself out of my comfort zone and into a place where I can truly serve with all that I have been given, preparing to go wherever I am sent without question.  I've met tons of new, very different people, I'm serving on a mission trip, I'm going bungee jumping; I do everything I can to fill my time with whatever anyone needs, and not surprisingly, it has turned out to be exactly what I need.  I know I have a long way to go, and I will make a ton of mistakes, but my life now is much less about me & I couldn't be happier.

  

Two dogs & 12 years later, I don't know if I've done anything that has made her exceptionally proud, but I have definitely given us a lot to talk about when I see her again. So thank you, Mom, for seeing so many wonderful things in me when I was young, and giving me something to strive for.  Thank you for knowing exactly what I needed to hear before I ever needed to hear it.  I truly hope that the second half of my life has been as fun to watch as the first half, and that it keeps getting better as we go.

When I don't understand

Life has been...interesting.

The details of it don't really matter, but amidst all the craziness, some pretty awesome things have happened for me. I'm still working on finding my place, but each day it becomes more clear to me & it's exciting. 

This last week, my niece asked me to put her to bed 2 nights in a row. 

Let me tell you, few things will make you feel more loved than a 3 year old requesting you for bed time. 

Right before bed each night, she gets 5 minutes of back scratching before it's time to fall asleep on her own. As I rubbed her back & listened to her sleepy time playlist, which consists of instrumental versions of worship songs, I thought about everything I'm dealing with & all the pain I see in me & in others.  Both of those nights I couldn't help but pray over her. As I felt her breath steady beneath my hand, I couldn't help but think about the fact that she'll feel pain and frustration in life, but I prayed that she's always surrounded by enough love & grace that the dark will never seem like a dead end & that people would see the kindness in her & give it in return, and she would always have a full and happy heart. 

And then Friday happened and those simple things I prayed for meant so much more. 

I'm sure those children had people praying for them, so why weren't those prayers answered? Why weren't those children kept safe and without pain? Does that mean my words for my niece are useless? Should I pray harder or more often? Or was it just an evil that overtook someone that we can never understand?

I hope in this time we can just love each other. Simply, fully. 

Now, I hope that even when she doesn't understand, when any of us can't quite make sense of things, that we can still look around & see beautiful moments & proof that we are loved & that we're all in this together, even when the world seems to be crumbling. 

Who knew a 3 year old could provide so much peace for me?

No need to rely on Apple Maps, I can get lost on my own.

It's been a really long time since I have posted anything. I don't think I was looking forward to facing the disappointment that I've been feeling in myself.

I moved home expecting the best. I thought my new store would be a challenge that would help me better myself and that it was only temporary, I thought some great career opportunity was right around the corner. I thought I would be surrounded by family & friends and that life would be less lonely. I truly believed that leaving Emporia was the end of my frustration, and maybe I could coast on excitement and adventures for a while.

I should have learned by now that high expectations are a dangerous thing.

Things have been even harder for me since moving home, but over the last few weeks many people have helped me realize how much I have to be grateful for & I do recognize that my negativity was blinding me to all the good. But, damn it, sometimes it's hard to see what's going right when all of your strength is tied up in surviving the things that are going wrong.

Last night, I went to a huge corn maze in Missouri with people from my store &, despite being a tad apprehensive, I actually had a lot of fun. Most of them don't know much about me, so it was nice to hang out in a new environment. Half of the group followed the rules & searched for the check points, but our group just tried to make it to the exit. There were times when we were incredibly lost (yes, I realize that's sort of the point) but I would just take off running down the trail and not worry where it was taking us. I'm sure the group wasn't too excited that I was ignoring our maps, but it made it fun. We don't always have a map when we get that lost in things & it was a strangely important moment for me to realize that, while it wasn't the best approach to getting out of the corn maze, sometimes I just need to head full speed in any direction to at least be on my way somewhere.

It's possible that I have finally paid my dues, or maybe I've simply adjusted my perspective, because I can feel the great things brewing, and it's only a matter of time before they are revealed to me. I am finished fighting the inevitable and planning my own way, because I have only been making things harder. I am going to start writing again, because even if no one reads it, it's a part of me that I can't ignore. I am getting involved in things that get me excited about life and challenge me to be better. I'm done ignoring the things I have been called to do.

Faith is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse, so I am going to quit trying to figure it out on my own and see where these new opportunities take me.

I haven't got a clue where I am going, but at least I am on my way.

Parking Spaces

Two weeks from today, my life will no longer be in Emporia, KS.  I will be finished with my college career and getting ready to start fresh on Monday morning at my new store. 

Exactly 5 years from the day I graduated high school, I'll be settled back home and ready for a brand new chapter, where so many things should be the same and familiar, and yet nothing will be.

My family is entirely different, yet still consists of the same people.  I'll still be doing the same job, with a whole new team and very different machines and challenges.  I'll be in the same house, except now it will feel like a home.  And I'm the same girl I've always been, but a completely different person.

I'm not at all excited to leave the people that I have grown to love here, but I have begun to think about it in a way that makes it easier.  I had the opportunity to spend some time with my wonderful friend Jan last week, and we were discussing how frustrating it is that people that we love are taken far away from us for whatever reason, even when we need them to be close more than ever.  I decided that we all have a parking lot. 

I don't care how silly that sounds, it's true.  People come and go from our lives all the time, and it's because we only have so many spaces for the people we love.  Not that we ever stop loving them, but sometimes people need to leave us for a little while to make a space for someone else to become more important in our lives for a bit. 

I would like to think that as we get older and meet more people and grow, that our parking lot expands with us.  But that doesn't mean that there won't be some slightly painful shuffling while it's under construction.

The amazing family that I have gained here in Emporia will never be any less important to me, but it's time for me to hit the road and make some room for other people.  In my life, and in theirs.  It took me a while to sort through those that deserve their own space and those that should have parked on the street, but that's the beauty of it.  If I had to make a list, the people that I honestly want to/will keep is fairly short, but the people that have taught me something important, even if they left a nasty grease stain in the process, is wonderfully lengthy, and I am perfectly content with that.

As a person that loves to plan and organize, I'm terrified.  The life waiting for me in two weeks is extremely different from the one I saw waiting for me a year ago, six months ago, shoot- it's different from the one I imagined a month ago, but it's mine and I can't wait to see what happens. The goodbyes have started, the boxes are being filled, and that parking lot is about to look very different.