It's been a really long time since I have posted anything. I don't think I was looking forward to facing the disappointment that I've been feeling in myself.
I moved home expecting the best. I thought my new store would be a challenge that would help me better myself and that it was only temporary, I thought some great career opportunity was right around the corner. I thought I would be surrounded by family & friends and that life would be less lonely. I truly believed that leaving Emporia was the end of my frustration, and maybe I could coast on excitement and adventures for a while.
I should have learned by now that high expectations are a dangerous thing.
Things have been even harder for me since moving home, but over the last few weeks many people have helped me realize how much I have to be grateful for & I do recognize that my negativity was blinding me to all the good. But, damn it, sometimes it's hard to see what's going right when all of your strength is tied up in surviving the things that are going wrong.
Last night, I went to a huge corn maze in Missouri with people from my store &, despite being a tad apprehensive, I actually had a lot of fun. Most of them don't know much about me, so it was nice to hang out in a new environment. Half of the group followed the rules & searched for the check points, but our group just tried to make it to the exit. There were times when we were incredibly lost (yes, I realize that's sort of the point) but I would just take off running down the trail and not worry where it was taking us. I'm sure the group wasn't too excited that I was ignoring our maps, but it made it fun. We don't always have a map when we get that lost in things & it was a strangely important moment for me to realize that, while it wasn't the best approach to getting out of the corn maze, sometimes I just need to head full speed in any direction to at least be on my way somewhere.
It's possible that I have finally paid my dues, or maybe I've simply adjusted my perspective, because I can feel the great things brewing, and it's only a matter of time before they are revealed to me. I am finished fighting the inevitable and planning my own way, because I have only been making things harder. I am going to start writing again, because even if no one reads it, it's a part of me that I can't ignore. I am getting involved in things that get me excited about life and challenge me to be better. I'm done ignoring the things I have been called to do.
Faith is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse, so I am going to quit trying to figure it out on my own and see where these new opportunities take me.
I haven't got a clue where I am going, but at least I am on my way.
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