Thursday will be my last time to sing at Relevant. It's crazy to think that an hour a week for the last few years has managed to have such an impact on my life, but it really has. The people are incredible, the messages always tug at my heart and it has been a constant factor that I can count on when everything else seems to be a mess.
There is a song that Emilia and I love called Grace Like Rain. I'm not sure what it is about that song in particular, but it just means something more that the others.
I know that worship isn't about the music necessarily, but, for me, that's when I am most connected to my faith and that's the time when I am able to let go and let God take over.
Whenever we are able to do this song, it truly stops being about the music and it is about something so much more. I can feel Emilia building it up with each verse and I can hear everyone else singing and it's a sort of peace and excitement all at the same time. I love that the feeling is hard to explain- which is weird for me, because I am all about explaining how I feel about things- but that difficulty is almost the greatest part. I don't know that anyone else feels it or cares as much as I do, but it's moments like that and feelings like those that have gotten me through these last few years. It's then that I know, without a doubt, that it's all ok.
I graduate in 15 days. I have almost an entire math course to complete, my 45 page paper, and all of the other end of the year papers teachers love to assign.
I leave Emporia in 3 weeks. I have to train a replacement and hand over a job that I have grown extremely attached to. I have to say goodbye to so many wonderful people.
And there are a million things that I can't seem to get out of my head lately that make it difficult to get through each day with a smile.
But tonight, for a little more than 3 minutes, none of that mattered and that is exactly what I needed.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Hurdles
There is a very good reason why I never attempted jumping hurdles during track my 8th grade year. Tell me to run my fastest to a certain point, and I will give it my all and get there. However, when there are these silly hurdles in the way, my brain has trouble anticipating them in order to clear the jump and not fall on my face. I don't entirely lack coordination, but some things my body will see and say "yea...good luck with that"
The past few years have been tough, but this one takes the cake. My disdain for hurdles hasn't changed, but they seem to keep popping up. All of these hurdles are really making me doubt my ability to do much of anything. I feel like if I keep trying my hardest and still fail, then it will hurt a lot worse than if I just stop trying and blame the failure on my lack of effort.
My most recent hurdle was more personal than anything, but it has managed to set me back all the same. It is hard to continually give your best and be told that it still isn't good enough for absolutely no concrete reason.
In addition to that, I have a problem with over thinking. When something bad happens, I have trouble keeping things separate, and it turns into me second guessing everything that's going on. Right now, that pretty much means disaster. I am attempting to keep my personal issues in a totally different compartment than my school worries and my job worries and it's becoming really difficult to see the line that keeps them apart.
The last couple of weeks I have been repatching old wounds that didn't quite heal properly the first time and coming to terms with the fact that these hurdles aren't going to stop coming. I can run straight up to them just to end up pumping the brakes all I want, but it isn't going to get me any further.
And then, today happened. A girl that I knew a few years back came in to ship something & I learned a "fun" fact about her life now. I'll spare you the details, but she has gone into a line of work that made me realize that I am actually doing pretty darn well for only being 23.
I'm graduating college in 19 days. I have been away at school for 5 years, but one of those was spent working full time and for the last year I have done both. I have a great family that I'm moving home to, a wonderful new family I have acquired and am (sadly) leaving behind, two great furry kiddos, a really bright future with an awesome company that is willing to support me even if I choose to leave, and a million other opportunities waiting for me.
I thought about those hurdles again and I just had to laugh to myself. Even if I run into every single hurdle instead of jumping over it, I'll still get to the end. I just have to keep running, keep pushing, and as much as it might hurt to slam into those dumb hurdles, I'll eventually make it to the finish line. I'm hoping that I'll successfully clear some of them, or have enough insight to duck underneath them from time to time, but they aren't going away & now that I have realized that, maybe my coordination will get a little better.
The past few years have been tough, but this one takes the cake. My disdain for hurdles hasn't changed, but they seem to keep popping up. All of these hurdles are really making me doubt my ability to do much of anything. I feel like if I keep trying my hardest and still fail, then it will hurt a lot worse than if I just stop trying and blame the failure on my lack of effort.
My most recent hurdle was more personal than anything, but it has managed to set me back all the same. It is hard to continually give your best and be told that it still isn't good enough for absolutely no concrete reason.
In addition to that, I have a problem with over thinking. When something bad happens, I have trouble keeping things separate, and it turns into me second guessing everything that's going on. Right now, that pretty much means disaster. I am attempting to keep my personal issues in a totally different compartment than my school worries and my job worries and it's becoming really difficult to see the line that keeps them apart.
The last couple of weeks I have been repatching old wounds that didn't quite heal properly the first time and coming to terms with the fact that these hurdles aren't going to stop coming. I can run straight up to them just to end up pumping the brakes all I want, but it isn't going to get me any further.
And then, today happened. A girl that I knew a few years back came in to ship something & I learned a "fun" fact about her life now. I'll spare you the details, but she has gone into a line of work that made me realize that I am actually doing pretty darn well for only being 23.
I'm graduating college in 19 days. I have been away at school for 5 years, but one of those was spent working full time and for the last year I have done both. I have a great family that I'm moving home to, a wonderful new family I have acquired and am (sadly) leaving behind, two great furry kiddos, a really bright future with an awesome company that is willing to support me even if I choose to leave, and a million other opportunities waiting for me.
I thought about those hurdles again and I just had to laugh to myself. Even if I run into every single hurdle instead of jumping over it, I'll still get to the end. I just have to keep running, keep pushing, and as much as it might hurt to slam into those dumb hurdles, I'll eventually make it to the finish line. I'm hoping that I'll successfully clear some of them, or have enough insight to duck underneath them from time to time, but they aren't going away & now that I have realized that, maybe my coordination will get a little better.
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