This Semester

So, pretty much everyone that knows me also knows that this semester I am attempting the impossible in order to graduate in May.  However, I don't think everyone knows just how difficult this semester truly is.  After briefly explaining it to a friend this evening and attempting to talk through my stress with people from time to time, I have decided to explain it in a little more detail to see if it will at least help get some of it out of my brain. 

Background: I started out studying Music Education.  After two years, it had made me really unhappy and I wasn't enjoying music at all anymore, so I decided to take a different path, but I wasn't quite sure what it would be.  I thought about Elementary Education for a while, but then was told there would be an Early Childhood program for undergrads available soon. It sounded perfect, so I spent a semester in Elementary Education courses that would eventually apply to my Early Childhood degree. That spring, I was told that it wasn't going to work out and I was basically wasting my time in school. 
Awesome.
So I decided to take a year off.  I needed to really figure out what I wanted to do so that I had a real plan and I didn't want to waste money taking classes that meant nothing just to stay in school.  Everyone said that I wouldn't go back, because most people that take time off never do, but I was the exception I suppose.  Two months into the first semester of my "year off" I already had met with an advisor and decided on a plan for the rest of my college education.  I took 4 courses during that time, to help keep me going, and waited for the fall to come around again to start fresh.  During my year off, I was given the opportunity to move into a full time position in our store and it was understood that when school came around again in the fall, I would go back to my part time position and things would be grand.  That's where the trouble started.  I ended up moving into another full time position that I really love, and decided to take online courses so that I could do both at the same time.  The fall semester was hard, I even received an Incomplete in a class that I sort of forgot I was taking, but it was nothing compared to this semester. 

Now we get to the fun stuff...

I am enrolled in 27 hours. 
6 hours = my Capstone project.  This is the whole point of my degree.  It is a 45-50 page paper covering my research in a field of my choice.  My project was originally suppose to be developing a curriculum for preschool age students that was entirely based on music.  Each subject would be taught with music in some way, with the hopes that the cross curriculum learning would help with the funding cuts and lack of music education in our schools.
4 hours= Early Childhood Development courses that I took while I was not actively enrolled at ESU.
3 hours= College Algebra, taken through Hutchinson Community College.
14 hours= Random 300 level courses that I have no real connection to.  Some of them are neat, some of them are not.
Now here are the hoops:
           Issue #1- I could not get a director for my first project propsal.  I was passed on to 4 different professors and each of them informed me that there was no way to fit me into their busy schedule. 
           Issue #2- My new project focuses on what I am currently doing for work.  Broken into 3 sections it will outline strategies for succeeding in the retail world, covering Customer Service, Sales, and Training. (It's more in depth, but that's the main idea).  The problem here is that I still have no director.  These professors didn't even bother to respond to inform me that they were too busy. 
         Issue #3- The courses I took while I was not enrolled should have been easy.  I was given certificates at the end of each so that I could send them in and that would count as my passing grade.  However, the professor decided that since I took them more than a semester ago, I should have to complete new assignments for each course in order to prove that I retained the information.  Understandable, but still a hoop.
         Issue #4- I was suppose to take my algebra course at Flint Hills Tech College, and I was told that they had an online course available for me.  After applying and getting to the part where I officially enroll, I was told that there were no online courses and that if I didn't take the course this semester, I would have to take 2 algebra courses instead of one because my ACT score would not be able to exempt me after this semester.  I looked all over for somewhere else and finally found a course through HCC that starts in March.  Luckily, on this one, I was able to send in my score early and save myself from taking two classes instead of one.

There are lots of little things going on & going wrong, but my point is that this semester is like one long trail of dominoes.  If the littlest thing goes wrong, the whole semester is a waste.  I have to pass this to get there, fix this before that will work, etc, with some of these steps being completely out of my control. And that's just the education part of it.  I'm working 37.5 hours a week on top of it all, trying like crazy to make sure that things go smoothly for my transition there as well.  Not to mention my two puppies that need way more attention that I give them, my family, and my super exciting social life.  Wait...I might have been imagining that last one...

I think the hardest part is shutting my brain down.  Each night, I wake up worried about an assignment I have coming up or a deadline I can't remember or an email I need to send. Some days I have such a big "to do" list that I literally sit and do nothing for hours because I can't wrap my head around it or figure out where to start. My days are broken down into a specific schedule-hour by hour- that I follow pretty closely, but sometimes it just overwhelms me to the point that I have no energy left to care. 

I know that I could have made it easier on myself.  So I am in no way expecting sympathy.  I could have split it into another semester, or been normal and picked a major that was easier to control.  But those options don't get me home quicker, and they certainly don't give me a degree that makes me happy. I have never been a fan of college, and now that I am missing out on so much with my family, it makes it even more frustrating. 

Thanks for caring enough to read this entire rant. :-)
I just have to survive this semester and then I am taking myself on an adventure of some kind and then I can move on to the next chapter of life.

It helps to channel the mindset of The Little Engine that Could "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

Dibs

I am sure everyone knows what the dibs game is.  When you see something you want- you call "dibs" on it & voila! It's yours & no one else can touch it.  Now, it sounds simple & awesome, but it depends on the context.


I am okay with the dibs game when it's the last cookie or a pop or a comfy chair, but I also have a great deal of friends that play it with people.  An attractive guy or girl will walk into the room & one will look at the other & call dibs.  I do realize that most of the time it is meant as a joke, but it got me thinking, I would absolutely love for someone to call dibs on me for real.


However, it can't be only when I am trying to look good because, let's be honest, I clean up pretty well, so that just wouldn't count. ;-)


I want someone to call dibs on me when I first wake up next to them in the morning, when I'm in my work uniform and my hair is in my "all business bun", when I'm 8 months pregnant and have swollen everything, when I am cleaning or doing dishes, and I want them to really mean it.  I know that it seems pretty unrealistic but I think it's important to set my standards that high.  It won't happen in the beginning either, obviously.  It will take time to discover and appreciate all of the awesome things about me, but I know it's possible to be someone's first choice & I can't wait to be that lucky.

I've kept it to myself for long enough...

I started this so that I could share my adventures and lessons while focusing on me and the things that I want in my life.  So I think it’s about time that I shared the biggest piece to the puzzle.

I did not grow up in a church; it was just something our family didn’t do.  Both of my parents were raised going to church and following all sorts of rules, but when it came to my faith life, it was left up to me to decide.  I feel that it was the greatest thing they ever could have done for me (not me as a child, but me specifically, meaning-yes, things will be different with my children).  I was given the opportunity to learn and develop my own ideas about the world and about God. 

I started going to church my junior year of high school because a friend invited me and I just happened to have a giant crush on him, so of course I went.  It makes me laugh because God sure knew exactly how to get my attentionJ.  During my junior and senior year, I learned a lot about Jesus and faith and salvation and the impact it can have on a life.  I went to a church that said exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  It was the perfect way to draw me in.

Then I left for college, and there was little growth in my faith life.  I didn’t do anything crazy or lose touch with my faith; I just stayed in the same place for a while.  

During the second semester of my sophomore year of college, my roommate finally convinced me to go with her to the United Methodist Campus Ministry service on a Thursday night.  I sang for special music, enjoyed the rest of the evening, and then went on with my life.  That night felt way more important to me than it should have, but at the time, I had no idea why.  The next semester, the girl that usually sang needed to focus on school and I was asked to help with music. 

It’s been an amazing experience.  It’s relaxed and casual, nothing too exciting by most standards, but I love it.  I get to sing and I get to worship, it doesn’t get much better than that for me. Plus, the people are fantastic.  It’s the neatest, silliest, most awkward group of people that I have ever been around and it’s awesome & getting to worship with them every week is a privilege I will never take for granted.

I will readily admit- In terms of religious knowledge, I know I could be considered naïve; I have not studied it the way most people do, because for me it is not about a specific religion or rules, but about faith in Christ and His plan for me as an individual.  I am not looking to educate anyone else, only to set a good example and live a good life in the eyes of God, because that’s the opinion that matters.

 Over the last 6 years, I have learned about my faith in a variety of ways.  I do read my Bible from time to time, but probably not as often as I should.  I honestly feel that I have learned more about God and the love of Christ through the people around me than I would by reading my Bible every single day.  I have been extremely lucky in that regard because I have been surrounded by some of the greatest Christians possible & I would defend that statement until the day that I die.  The people that have been my greatest influence have been filled with love and grace and compassion, they have been accepting, talented, driven. They have been Catholic, Methodist, non denominational, some have had even less exposure to church and religion than myself. They have been straight, gay, college students, and seminary students.  They aren’t perfect by any standards, they are real people who hurt and get frustrated and still manage to set great examples.   

Isn’t that the point?  I know I haven’t read it cover to cover, but I can’t imagine it saying anywhere in the Bible that those who know the most, or those who have made the least mistakes, or those who have always followed the right rules are the best Christians.  In fact, I think it says quite the opposite.  I know we are supposed to live by the commandments and all sorts of other standards, and I will never argue that those things aren’t just as important, but I can’t help but believe there is much more to it than that. 

Last semester I read “Love Wins” by Rob Bell.  I have always thought I had a good idea of what Christianity was really all about, but it was so refreshing and encouraging to read an entire book that supported all the things going on in my head.  The title itself says it all. LOVE wins.  Not knowledge, not obedience, not judgment.  The love of Christ is the bottom line.  You get a lot farther in life when you love and accept others the way that Christ will always love and accept.  Not that any one of us could ever contain that much love, but we can definitely give it all we’ve got.  I know that there are a million ways to look at religion and faith and God, but it has to start somewhere.  First, you have to have faith in something bigger than this world. Second, you have to know how to love and how to be loved.  Only then will anything get done, will anything be learned, will anything matter.

Almost a year ago, I made the decision to be baptized.  No one told me to, no one recommended that I do, it was because it was what I wanted to do.  It was what I needed for myself.  Now, I strive to set a good example for others.  I have good days and bad days.  I still get frustrated when I shouldn’t, I say things that I shouldn’t, I’m not as patient as I should be, but I’m learning.  I recognize when I do something I shouldn’t, and I think about it and do better the next time.  I have learned that grace is the most beautiful concept, and I am forever grateful for it.  What good would it do to believe there is no hope for the hurting or those who have made mistakes?  That’s the silliest thing I have ever heard. 

I could go on for hours, but I guess my point is this:

I love Jesus.  I would not survive each day without the love and grace of my Savior.  Faith is a powerful thing that I am so grateful to have found.  And I truly believe that if everyone took out a little bit of hate and judgment from their heart and put in that much love, this world would be a much more beautiful place.  You can be a great Christian and make mistakes every single day, not that it’s encouraged, but hope is never lost when it comes to redemption.  The very purpose of Christ coming to this world was to bring another chance, another opportunity to get it right.  Love God, acknowledge Christ and His love, and love each other- start there and things will change fast.  My ideals are not the most popular, and even some of my best friends will completely disagree, but I’ve got to be sort of right if they think I’m totally wrong & still manage to be my best friends…right?

Lessons Learned

During my senior year of high school I sang "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood for our Follies show in the spring.  At the time, it meant quite a bit to me.  It reflected a lot of what I was feeling as a big part of my life was coming to a close and another one was beginning, it covered a lot of the oh-so-dramatic high school scenarios that I had been a part of, and it was a nice way to share thoughts that I wasn't able to create words for quite yet.

Now, as I am nearing another one of those moments and finishing another senior year, that song has managed to mean more than I ever thought it could. 

Mistakes are so frustrating. It doesn't matter if it was an accident or something you had time to think about. Whether it be locking the keys in the car, messing up a homework assignment, or something bigger, like stealing or betraying someone you love, they all make an impact somehow.  Making a mistake can ruin your day, alter your routine, or change your life. 
Mistakes are scary.

I am not a big fan of making mistakes, as I am sure no one really is, but as I have gotten older and made more signifcant ones, I have started to think about them much differently than ever before. There are a few things that stick out more than others that I spent way too much time punishing myself for.  Assuming that I shouldn't be happy or I shouldn't succeed because of some dumb decision I made, and I must deserve or have somehow earned any bad thing that comes my way.
How silly is that?
I have boldly decided that our minds should never be allowed to regret a mistake that we learned something from.  I know that it is only my job to look at it that way, but there should be some sort of office in our brains that makes sure that it happens for good. 

Before I had the realization that punishing myself was total nonsense, I thought about what causes mistakes.  I looked back at the significant ones and tried to remember how I felt or what I was thinking that led to me doing things that were totally out of character and made no sense.  I had to really look at what brought me to that point, what the real issue was, so that I could make sure I was never in a position where making the same mistake was even possible. 

Mistakes can begin to define a person, and that isn't right. I let my worst mistake define me for almost 3 years.  That's 3 years of my life that I spent, no, that I wasted full of regret, thinking I deserved the worst, settling for less than the best, deciding that I had forfeited my chance at anything more. That's all I could see, that's all I believed in.  I refused to forgive myself for the things I had done. It was so wrong of me to think that my actions warranted all of that, yet I couldn't let it go.

Now, I am learning to forgive myself for things.  I have focused on what I learned, what I gained, what happened as a result, and finally, what I would have missed in life had I not made those mistakes. I have finally been able to realize that the last 3 years I have been blessed with so much more than I could see.  I have gotten close to people that I never would have met, I have taken opportunities that never would have come along, and I have grown more than I ever thought possible.  I know that I have a lot of mistakes still to make, but I am determined to make sure that I have no more regrets, just lessons learned.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.